All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
