can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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