I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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