I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He shit in the fireplace
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
