Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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