Hey man sorry I got all grabby
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
