I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
