So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
