I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
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