You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
