I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
