Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
