I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
FUCK WHALES
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
