so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
