if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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