i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
