i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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