Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
