I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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