thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
