New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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