Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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