He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
