remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
