I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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