12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
