I want you more than these girls want KFC
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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