his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
