I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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