dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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