Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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