John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
