I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Randomize
