Apparently you make a good broom.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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