im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
