sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
