If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
