I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
