So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
