If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
