so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
i've created a new STD.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
