the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Randomize
