I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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