Dude my mom stole all your condoms
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i came on her dog
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
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