I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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