i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
