I hope mine doesn't look like that
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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