How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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