Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
