Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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